Thank You USPS

Dear USPS,

I never thought I’d be writing you a thank you note.

While I appreciate that your carriers deliver our mail, my gratitude for this service has been tempered by the extreme reaction of my dog to your visits. Whenever we see you–your personnel or trucks–my lovable guy becomes a raging animal(!), ready tear your minions limb from limb. 

On our walks I peer anxiously up streets and around corners, ready to engage in evasive maneuvers to avoid one of your mail trucks. We’ve had numerous near misses when he attempted to leap on to your trucks and my front door bears the marks of his frantic attempts to halt your assaults on our home.

And, I have to ask, whose bright idea was it to start package delivery on Sunday? That used to be our day of rest, when we knew we could venture out with impunity.

But I digress. This holiday season you delivered the best gift of all.

Your new trucks are marvelous! No longer do I walk in fear. These trucks sound nothing like the rumbling, needs-a-new-muffler vehicles of yesterday. Their motors’ hum blends with the other traffic sounds. And their shape, oh, I could wax poetic about their shape. It’s so beautifully indistinct. So perfectly like all the other trucks and minivans on the road. The ideal camouflage.  

Pettigrew has no idea that you still traverse the roads. He struts down the street, secure in the knowledge that he has achieved his heart’s desire and banished you all.

With my sincere best wishes for a happy holiday season and a joyous New Year for you and yours,